March 11 2010
~beautiful world~
Mood: confused
Listening to: D - BIRTH <3
So... I'm waiting for SOMEBODY to upload D's "Kaze ga mekuru Page"... I mean it's been released for a day now XDDDDDDDDDDDD.... other bands' releases on the same day are already on the web... why... tell me WHY can't they upload D's? T_T.... well i suppose i have to WAIT -w-... (love wait... (8)... sweeney todd lol)...
Hmm.. lately I've been feeling confused about the typical stuff that used to bother me in the past, and it seems that i will NEVER ever be able to change this thing about myself. I'm a jealous person. I've been jealous of the people i've considered my 'friends' but there's ALWAYS something or someone that makes me feel WRONG and jealous. So... I'm experimenting that feeling again, and I certainly don't like it, cause i know how it's gonna end... I end up being left alone. That happens ALL THE TIME -w-.. I know something must be wrong with me because otherwise people wouldn't leave me, but they do. And I know in the E N D i'll be alone. In a psychiatric place or something like that. If I'm lucky enough... my light will find me once again, and MAYBE I won't end up as fucked up as I think. HE is the only one who'll save me from despair, and will help me. BUT, it's pretty impossible, and I have to face stuff first... in order to find him... Lately, I've noticed how little people care. Again. I should just say goodbye to all this people don't you think? Eliminate them from my life, 'cause I'm the only one who's been hurt lately, and a hell lot of people don't care. And the worst thing is that I DO care for this people... a hell lot.
Thank you once again to make me realize AGAIN how dumb I am when it comes to choosing friends! :D
And WHY did I call my post: ~beautiful world~ you wonder?... only because the song with that name is my life right now.
Listening to: D - BIRTH <3
So... I'm waiting for SOMEBODY to upload D's "Kaze ga mekuru Page"... I mean it's been released for a day now XDDDDDDDDDDDD.... other bands' releases on the same day are already on the web... why... tell me WHY can't they upload D's? T_T.... well i suppose i have to WAIT -w-... (love wait... (8)... sweeney todd lol)...
Hmm.. lately I've been feeling confused about the typical stuff that used to bother me in the past, and it seems that i will NEVER ever be able to change this thing about myself. I'm a jealous person. I've been jealous of the people i've considered my 'friends' but there's ALWAYS something or someone that makes me feel WRONG and jealous. So... I'm experimenting that feeling again, and I certainly don't like it, cause i know how it's gonna end... I end up being left alone. That happens ALL THE TIME -w-.. I know something must be wrong with me because otherwise people wouldn't leave me, but they do. And I know in the E N D i'll be alone. In a psychiatric place or something like that. If I'm lucky enough... my light will find me once again, and MAYBE I won't end up as fucked up as I think. HE is the only one who'll save me from despair, and will help me. BUT, it's pretty impossible, and I have to face stuff first... in order to find him... Lately, I've noticed how little people care. Again. I should just say goodbye to all this people don't you think? Eliminate them from my life, 'cause I'm the only one who's been hurt lately, and a hell lot of people don't care. And the worst thing is that I DO care for this people... a hell lot.
Thank you once again to make me realize AGAIN how dumb I am when it comes to choosing friends! :D
And WHY did I call my post: ~beautiful world~ you wonder?... only because the song with that name is my life right now.
March 5 2010
March is finally here :3
Listening to: D's "Kaze ga mekuru page" preview <3
Yeah so... I haven't been too happy lately... and I'm having a huge problem with my depression and anxiety -_- but today i'm feeling a bit better... and I'm here just to spam D love <3...
In just 6 days... (i.e. 10.03.10)... "Kaze ga mekuru page" will at LAST go out T_T i've been waiting for it since... xD since it was first announced back in decemberrr xDDD..... so it's been a long wait... but I could see the covers <3 WHICH ARE ABSOLUTE LOVE <3 and the profile pics... omg too great... TOO GREAT <3 <3 (complete spam: ENTER HERE NAO http://www.d-gcr.com/profile/index.html)...
After "Kaze ga mekuru page", the 24th will be the amazing release of "7th Rose" <3333333333 this new album is to celebrate the band's 7th anniversary <3 OMFG it's just too amazing and beautiful <3 the pics... OMFG the album covers... are... PRETTEH... just take a look at THIS: http://www.cdjapan.co.jp/pictures/l/08/36/DAKZY-51_2.jpg and YES i'm so lazy i don't remember the html for the pics so -w- yeah xDDD but it's.. AWESOMENESS... ASAGI-sama has made one of my dreams reality xD to see him with a
And WEEEEELL... after that release... the 31st they will release a DVD with a compilation of their videos and the "Bara no Yakata" program *_*! OMFG i'm super happy about that *_* i want to watch the bara no yakata program ENTIRELY <3 and watch all the vids <3 omg it's perfect <3...
So I'm expecting a hell lot this month <3... tomorrow's Tsune's birthday <3 and what a better way to celebrate it but going to the world premier of "Alice in Wonderland"? *_* i'm definitely going, i already have my tickets and everything *_* it'll be magical <3...
Well those are the only good things about this month... I still have to keep on writing my stupid thesis and I have to write some exams -_- horrible, but well... things will be over someday!
PD: ASAGI-SAMA IN A BLACK DRESS IS PURE LOVE
PD2: here are the previews to 'Kaze ga mekuru page'
http://www.d-gcr.com/discography/mp3/kaze_ga_mekuru.mp3
http://www.d-gcr.com/discography/mp3/waga_tekiha.mp3
February 21 2010
Yesterday...
...was a day I really want to forget.. until those very last minutes... which were ok... but. I don't know... I know people might not even read this, at the end this space is just for me... to write whatever the fuck i want and i'm ok with it.
I actually thought i'd already touched the deepest part of depression, but i hadn't... until yesterday. I'd never had such horrible and extreme changing feelings in a few hours. Yesterday, it hurt to be me. Yesterday, I wanted to not feel anything, and I did it. I became 200% numb. It was... definitely something I don't want to experience ever again. Not feeling.. was kinda not living. But... it made me think a lot, as always. I'm sick of thinking and not doing. 'Cause that's what's happening lately. I also have freaking problems, and nobody seems to notice, even though I disappear, I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to go out with anybody, and so on. I'm tired of going online and listening to everybody's problems. I don't mind helping my friends sometimes, but I AM NOT A FREAKING PSYCHOLOGIST. YES, I AM NOT. And it makes me MAD... 'cause people think they can tell me their freaking problems and that i'll be able to solve everyfuckingthing. But it's not like that. I ALSO HAVE MY OWN SHIT TO SOLVE. And nobody, I say, NOBODY can understand what I'm going through. And i'm not playing FUCKING VICTIM, just fyi. But i'm tired of talking to people and telling me: eh... I don't really know what to say/do for you. But when it comes to ME helping my friends... I reaaaaaaaaaally worry about them... and i do my best to at least help them, give them options, i don't know, something. I know that it doesn't work sometimes (or maybe most of the times), but I AT LEAST TRY. I'm not writing this against anybody, 'cause this is not directed towards anybody. This is just my numbness finally disappearing. It's been difficult to live lately. The only thought in my mind is: give up. It's miserable, lame and yurusenai-ish. And yes, I know I won't give up, but I've felt like that forever now. It's eternal, everything good vanishes slowly... and it makes me suffering deeeeeeepen and deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepen more every second. I know my negativity's the reason of my feeling so... miserable. I didn't know how horrible my depression was until yesterday. I knew it had stages, but what I experienced yesterday was.. the worst.
And today, I had the need to just write something, I've tossed this blog to nothingness, even though I said I'd upload it 7 times a day (lol). So sorry, I haven't even accomplished something positive with this blog. I wish I could do something that made me feel fuzzy inside. I wish I could accomplish something and never regret it. I wish I could just feel happy for a while. A LONG while. I've been feeling miserable for too long now, and it's just disappointing. I mean... I'm in this world after all, so I suppose I have to do something 'positive' about it. Living... 'cause i didn't have any other choice. But doing what? I don't need answers, so I'll just leave the question hanging there.
The day I feel better... I'll definitely write about it. But today... today's just the bad taste in the mouth of one of the worst days in my life. And who cares? Me of course, and only me -w-.
I actually thought i'd already touched the deepest part of depression, but i hadn't... until yesterday. I'd never had such horrible and extreme changing feelings in a few hours. Yesterday, it hurt to be me. Yesterday, I wanted to not feel anything, and I did it. I became 200% numb. It was... definitely something I don't want to experience ever again. Not feeling.. was kinda not living. But... it made me think a lot, as always. I'm sick of thinking and not doing. 'Cause that's what's happening lately. I also have freaking problems, and nobody seems to notice, even though I disappear, I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to go out with anybody, and so on. I'm tired of going online and listening to everybody's problems. I don't mind helping my friends sometimes, but I AM NOT A FREAKING PSYCHOLOGIST. YES, I AM NOT. And it makes me MAD... 'cause people think they can tell me their freaking problems and that i'll be able to solve everyfuckingthing. But it's not like that. I ALSO HAVE MY OWN SHIT TO SOLVE. And nobody, I say, NOBODY can understand what I'm going through. And i'm not playing FUCKING VICTIM, just fyi. But i'm tired of talking to people and telling me: eh... I don't really know what to say/do for you. But when it comes to ME helping my friends... I reaaaaaaaaaally worry about them... and i do my best to at least help them, give them options, i don't know, something. I know that it doesn't work sometimes (or maybe most of the times), but I AT LEAST TRY. I'm not writing this against anybody, 'cause this is not directed towards anybody. This is just my numbness finally disappearing. It's been difficult to live lately. The only thought in my mind is: give up. It's miserable, lame and yurusenai-ish. And yes, I know I won't give up, but I've felt like that forever now. It's eternal, everything good vanishes slowly... and it makes me suffering deeeeeeepen and deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepen more every second. I know my negativity's the reason of my feeling so... miserable. I didn't know how horrible my depression was until yesterday. I knew it had stages, but what I experienced yesterday was.. the worst.
And today, I had the need to just write something, I've tossed this blog to nothingness, even though I said I'd upload it 7 times a day (lol). So sorry, I haven't even accomplished something positive with this blog. I wish I could do something that made me feel fuzzy inside. I wish I could accomplish something and never regret it. I wish I could just feel happy for a while. A LONG while. I've been feeling miserable for too long now, and it's just disappointing. I mean... I'm in this world after all, so I suppose I have to do something 'positive' about it. Living... 'cause i didn't have any other choice. But doing what? I don't need answers, so I'll just leave the question hanging there.
The day I feel better... I'll definitely write about it. But today... today's just the bad taste in the mouth of one of the worst days in my life. And who cares? Me of course, and only me -w-.
February 1 2010
THANK YOU FOREVER
I think it's the only thing i can say... after seeing what i saw... and after reading what i read... i can't believe this is actually more real than what i thought... this makes me breathe love.
January 31 2010
So... yeah.
Mood: Sleepy as hell
Listening to: Kingdom Hearts 2 lolz
So.... how is it possible to keep on talking about him? I want to get over him... NAO -_-... it bothers me... but i can't help but smile when i remember stuff... the nice memories, but that's what it is... just... memories.
I'm sorry, but I'm really trying... I know it'll take a little bit more of time... but... it will be better someday, I'll just see this me in 5 years... and maybe I'll say: "hehe... i knew you'd get over that".
I'm sorry.
Listening to: Kingdom Hearts 2 lolz
So.... how is it possible to keep on talking about him? I want to get over him... NAO -_-... it bothers me... but i can't help but smile when i remember stuff... the nice memories, but that's what it is... just... memories.
I'm sorry, but I'm really trying... I know it'll take a little bit more of time... but... it will be better someday, I'll just see this me in 5 years... and maybe I'll say: "hehe... i knew you'd get over that".
I'm sorry.
January 22 2010
-卒業-
Listening to: Kingdom Hearts
Today I feel strange. Actually I'm quite better with the ASAGI-sama thing, cause he wrote in his diary about it and now I know he's alive and ok ;_;! Thanks to that, I've been able to finally start doing my thesis... which is ok, i don't think it'll take me as long as people say it will take (a year or so, i guess i'll do it in less time). I could really have some inspiration from something that happened to me the night i heard the news from ASAGI-sama's collapse... and I'm happy that inspiration also became musical creativity... I've composed two songs already, that's something that hasn't occurred lately... until two days ago. I mean, they are two full-length songs, with lyrics and melody. I will try to create a second version of both songs, as I really want to have a ballad and a more sped-up version... I wonder how I will do that though xD...
Versailles' new CD [Jubilee] just came out 2 days ago. HELL what an amazing CD... I loved the first song till the very end... it's an unexpected 10minute song o_o. God Palace <3!
And yesterday... yesterday I saw the Rookies-卒業- movie... and... I have been thinking a hell lot since i finished watching it... it's an AWESOME movie, and it has a freaking good ending, which i really didn't expect cause... sometimes they finish stuff in such a way that there might be a second season dorama or something, but NO... it was different in this case. So... 卒業... i've been thinking about it a hell lot (卒業 is sotsugyou, graduation). Once it happens... what will happen? I mean... they mention something beautiful in the movie which made my heart doki doki and cry: There is no such place as dreams that end. So... it's not the exact phrase, but it's something like that... it's something that really makes you think.. once you achieve your dream... what happens next? I know I shouldn't even think about the end of a dream which hasn't even started, but it just made me uneasy somehow.
Anyways... something else that made my heart uneasy was that D will release ANOTHER single before the new CD... UNNECESSARY release in my opinion. I mean, the single "Kaze ga meguru Page" will have two editions, one with PV and the other one with an extra song. COME ON >_>... I thought that PV was going to be in the 7th Rose disc... but now... I mean, will they make another PV for 7th Rose? And HOW?! If ASAGI-sama is supposed to be resting... COME ON FUCKING SHIT ._. this is not the supposed "break" (or "suspension", as mentioned in ASAGI-sama's diary) that they were supposed to have. I mean, if ASAGI-sama collapsed... what keeps the other members of the band immune?? I mean, they're still working, cause they'll do some lives WITHOUT ASAGI-sama, and just with his voice as playback (which I think is completely STUPID). I mean, now I really think the only thing that matters to AVEX is freaking money, I mean... three releases on the same month... I mean, the TRUE real release should be the new disc... why a DVD with stuff we've already seen? Why a single with a song that will be on the new CD? I don't know, maybe I'm stressed out because this isn't too fair for them, they have to work more and AVEX gets money. I know D loves fans, I mean, without them, D wouldn't be what they are now... BUT they are HUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN >_>...... I don't know I'm pissed because I don't want D to be just merchandise.... where's the essence? I mean, it's not lost or anything... but... it's just too much.
Oh and BTW... I won't EVER have the money to buy everything xD I had money and it was going to be used in different stuff... actually I was going to have EVERYTHING soon... but with this TEN THOUSAND NEW RELEASES ._. it'll take longer xD but oh, i can bare with it, it's not thaaaaaaaaaat important, i'll just have the new stuff, which i hope is really the best of the best cause I don't want D stuff to be quantity rather than quality. I'm not saying it is, I'm afraid it's all xD.... I just love this band too hell much.
SO! This 卒業 thing really made me think about a hell lot of things... Not only what I will do.. but what my dreams really are... how to achieve them... and how to start... I don't know, my mind's full of thoughts about my thesis, my future, Japan, ASAGI-sama, loneliness... it's too much, I guess. But oh well... THANK YOU xD for reading EVERYTHING (if you did... xD) and... yeah... that's about it :D
OH one last thing... how can I forget about someone? I just want to get rid of that person who filled my heart with joy about two years ago. But I don't know how. He's been in my dreams lately, and I don't like that anymore.
January 18 2010
Why?
Why ASAGI-sama? Why did i know about this already? My heart told me something wasn't ok... I felt it... and it happened...
I'm still in shock... that's why I'm just.. trying to write something here... ASAGI-sama collapsed during a performance yesterday... and he's not ok. I fucking knew it... and I feel so bad. AVEX you bitches... I knew that something wrong was going to happen if they kept on giving D more work without having any days off... I'm in fuckin shock... and i can't do anything about it. I'm not there, I can't even send a 'Please recover soon and take care' card........ THIS IS HORRIBLE, I HATE BEING HERE AND I WANT TO BE THERE WITH HIM. It... it's sucks.
I'm still in shock... that's why I'm just.. trying to write something here... ASAGI-sama collapsed during a performance yesterday... and he's not ok. I fucking knew it... and I feel so bad. AVEX you bitches... I knew that something wrong was going to happen if they kept on giving D more work without having any days off... I'm in fuckin shock... and i can't do anything about it. I'm not there, I can't even send a 'Please recover soon and take care' card........ THIS IS HORRIBLE, I HATE BEING HERE AND I WANT TO BE THERE WITH HIM. It... it's sucks.
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